Saturday, December 25, 2010

Muse is back?

Often I wander away into a world of my own, in an unknown path, sometimes straying away from people, happy with my own self. There were many days I woke up wondering whatever I was doing in life. Sometimes I had no clue and sometimes everything looked bleak like there is no tomorrow..Sometimes I wondered when the world would end. I wish it would soon. I sink into a myriad of thoughts in random ways..But, when I snap back and look at my life, there are many ways I feel, fine I am probably adding a drop to the ocean..and it seems like a path for which the end is really nowhere-striving to work on conservation education, talking to some urban homo sapiens in a technologically advanced world about trees and birds and butterflies..I wonder am I crazy..but there has been this amazing connect with nature I had since childhood. I love watching drops of rain water...I would catch them in my hands..soak in the smell of the earth..rain made me happy..i loved cloudy, hazy days and cold windy nights..there was something these changing seasons..times..I would sit alone in the balcony..watching people on the street, oblivious of the noises and name calling..I would be lost..I did not hear my name even. Why are you sitting alone, some words would reach my was because I loved my own own time and my time with doing nothing..maybe even day dreaming. Was always a dreamer..Sometimes I sank in colors..splashing away my thoughts..snow and ferns in the shimmering sunlight...frozen lakes and the nature's reflections..When near water, I delve into nothingness..I sit by the lake..and watch it..and I feel like being in a pure meditative state..afterall isnt meditation about having zero thoughts..and cleaning your mind..Nature has always been my best friend and when I am right there..with it..I dont need a soul next to me. In forests yonder, I wade through tall grasses, following the butterflies that flutter..hopping from one flower to another sipping nectar, living free..they three weeks of their life span..I wonder..and always wondered living in a city like Bombay..tension, race, failure, success, competition..who are we fighting with and why..what do we really want in life...more than tranquility? Where was this life leading to..and what do we want...the transient materialistic pursuit is often an something that could give loads of momentary happiness..but the momentary happiness isn’t long enough..and the pursuit begins again..risks, responsibilities, living in a circle..following systems, regimes and standards set by people..was it worth it all? Being a writer..more than that..being a deep thinker..I always wondered about these things and then does it matter how people does it matter who thinks long as you reach to your soul and do things-even day dream!! Why should one really care..think and be so conscious of how society perceives you..its then I realise that I stand outside the circle..trying to find my own path..not amidst the scores of people who are running in the rat race..I am only a mere spectator. Hating competition and living for myself..It took a lot of know me, understand me...being quiet..growing up listening to Garth Brookes and Frank Sinatra, Eagles..who was me in this world? I sometimes thought..and then brushed it away..I lived..for I wanted to enjoy..I learnt achieve my goals..I learnt to control my be more strong..and I learnt to live..still living..and still outside the circle..its a whole new world here...its different..its simple..and it doesnt take much to live a life of needs to only unclutter and be a free thinker..its my world..